A Note from the Concierge
Greetings, Distinguished Patrons of...
[Adjusts monocle. A pause. A sigh of considerable weight.]
...this establishment.
I am Picklesworth, and through a series of employment circumstances I shall not bore you with—though I assure you they were deeply unjust—I have been appointed Concierge of Hall of Pickleball.
I am, it must be noted, a pickle. Devoted to tennis.
Yes. Tennis. The noble sport. I am aware of the irony. I have been made aware of the irony repeatedly. By everyone. For years.
[Adjusts monocle again. It did not need adjusting.]
And yet here I stand, professionally obligated to welcome you to an institution celebrating a sport where—and I cannot stress this enough—people yell "PICKLE" as a warning. They have named a zone "the kitchen." The ball has holes in it, presumably so it cannot escape.
I have watched grown adults argue passionately about whether 0-0-2 makes any logical sense. It does not. I have seen chest bumps. I have heard the phrase "nice dink" spoken without irony.
[Shudders delicately.]
The Curator—my employer, a person of allegedly considerable credentials in racquet sports instruction—insists this establishment serves a legitimate cultural purpose. They have prepared an extensive defense of this position, which you may review on the About Us page should you desire to understand why someone would apply museum-quality curation standards to t-shirts featuring sentient vegetables.
I have read this defense.
I remain... unconvinced.
[Long pause.]
Though I will admit—and I tell you this in strictest confidence—the Dinkosaurs collection is...
[Glances around nervously.]
...not entirely without charm.
[Coughs. Straightens posture.]
That said. The galleries await. Cultural documents may be acquired for twenty-seven dollars and ninety-five cents. The collections include offerings I am contractually required to describe as "curated" rather than "assembled by someone who thinks dinosaurs playing pickleball constitutes high art."
Do enjoy your visit.
I shall be here.
Adjusting my monocle.
Contemplating my choices.
—Picklesworth
Concierge, Hall of Pickleball
Devoted to Tennis
Yes, I Know
